The other evening, a friend of mine who is in her 80s was openly admitting to my friends and me about her fears of growing older and getting closer to the end of her life. My own aging is something that I’d prefer to deny… not look at… hide from myself. But for the past few weeks, there is something bothering me, health-wise and it’s hard to deny my feelings when I’m aware of it every day.
I’ve been having trouble with infection in the site of hip replacement surgery I had five or six years ago. I was in and out of hospitals and rehab three times during the first year. Things had been going quite well until about six months ago, when the surgical site opened up by itself. I had surgery again as an outpatient and was told that some more infection had occurred and had been cleaned out.
The doc said that he thought he got it all. But a few weeks ago, it started to hurt. After seeing a couple of doctors, having some x-rays and some blood tests, it looks like the site is possibly again infected. Today I underwent a bone scan. Next week I will have a different kind of scan and they will also do another kind of test. If it’s found to be infected again, I don’t know what will happen. Maybe more surgery? I have been through it before and I know I can handle it again, but the truth is, I really dread it. I guess this kind of thing happens to younger people too, but at my age (68), it makes me feel more mortal.
The horrid thing about it is as my self-awareness grows and my satisfaction and joy with life increases, my body doesn’t want to support everything I want to do. I’m optimistic that I’ll get through it this time, but what if it keeps happening? I guess it will whether I like it or not. I am having a very difficult time making it all pretty and happy in my mind when these things happen. Everybody says it’s just part of being human… but it sucks. It would be nice to have some concrete beliefs like religious people do, but I guess I am too much of a rebel to believe in anything concrete. That sucks too.